Last week was a tough week. Not only physiologically but also physically.
I know what a depression is, I’ve been there and I don’t want to be there again. I know when I’m on the edge, I know what my limits are. Last week I was near but still far enough from the edge.
I’ve said this before but I repeat myself, I work 40 hours a week, from 9 to 18:30 (1,5 lunch break), two bosses that treat us like “slaves”, two kids to prepare to school and to pick up at the end of the day, cleaning, laundry, meals, my mother’s phone calls because of my father’s Alzheimer situation, little time to be with the kids, etc, etc, etc. it’s not easy. Fortunately I have my DH that although working from 8 to 19 helps a lot around the house.
Sometimes I deal well with all this routine, other times not so well. I can’t complaint about my job, I know that I’ll have my salary at the end of the month, it’s not a bad salary but the conditions are not the best. Motivation is something that I don’t have.
Last week was a very negative week for me because when I think too much about other things I would like to do and I don’t have time to, I become angry with myself and I refuse to accept that right now I can’t change a thing.
My escape right now is blogging. I love being on the internet, to write and earn money online. This last part is something I would like to explore and see if I could manage to live from internet jobs. It’s something uncertain that for sure won’t replace my full time job, so for now, although with sadness, I have to continue with my life the way it is.
This whole situation, the fact that I’m not satisfied with my life, affects me also physically. I lose my strength, I have migraines and muscle and bone pain is a reality. It’s awful to feel this way but last week I really felt it. For 4 day, I slept 10 hours a night (usually I sleep 6 or 7 sometimes only 4 or 5), I felt exhausted and could even walk straight.
When I feel like this I avoid direct contact with situations that can make me say things I later regret so I’m more silent than on normal days.
My relation with my DH has been a little distant. Due to a change in our bedrooms he ended up sleeping in my daughter’s room. Let me explain: during cold weather we have to turn on some form of heating, as we can’t afford the central heating, we use oil heaters. As we have a Suite we decided to put my son’s bed in our dressing room, my kids were supposed to sleep there and my DH and I in our bed. My daughter decided she wanted to sleep in our bed so my husband started sleeping in her room. This is happening for two months now.
Of course, as a couple, this causes a little rupture in the relation, we already have little time to be together, sleeping in different bedrooms even worse. Me, being tired and exhausted didn’t help either.
I need more time but I have no way to get it. Vacation is not a solution once it’s something temporary, just a few days so the solution can be:
- I accept the fact I have to stay in that job
- I accept the bosses I have and all the junk work I have to do for them
- I accept that I can only spend 2 or 3 hours with my kids, most of it spent in the kitchen preparing dinner and cleaning up
- I accept the fact I can’t explore other ways of earning money because I have little time
- I accept the fact that I can never pick up my kids at school because I have to work
- I accept the fact I can’t help my son with homework because I have to work (he does them in daycare after school)
- I accept the complaints of my daughter saying she wants me to pick her up at school
- I accept the fact that I can’t pick up my kids earlier from daycare because I’m at work
so much things to accept but for me they are unacceptable.
For my own health I have to keep going and try to live as I can. I see the years go by, my kids are growing and I’m not able to follow them closely as I would like to. I know I’m not alone but some people just don’t care, but I do and I suffer with this.
On Saturday I was feeling really better and I did some activities with the kids. In the morning I cleaned up the house, we went to my parents house for the weekly visit and in the afternoon I went with the kids to the local park for roller skating and bicycle riding. After that we went to the library where we spent the rest of the afternoon. They enjoy being in the library among the books, games, movies, etc..
Sunday afternoon I went to ride bicycle with Dani but we spend most of the day at home.
Yesterday (Monday) I went to work with a positive spirit and I tried to do my work and some blogging (don’t tell the bosses).
This is just a phase I go through from time to time so…let’s keep going.
It’s 2:26 right now and I’m still blogging, why? Because only at night, when I’m supposed to be asleep, I have time to write. 
