I’ve been in a lot of pain these last days. Shoulders, neck and thorax have been killing me lately. I know what it is, accumulated anxiety and stress from these last weeks. Yesterday I barely could move my head but still, I spend all day in the office working and screaming each time I had to make a sudden movement. I’m taken some pills and although still having a lot of pain I’m better than yesterday.

Yesterday my father had his new electrical bed delivered and is much comfortable now. I went to the pharmacy and paid for it, a huge amount I must confess.

Today my kids had a birthday party of a neighbor in a “party academy”, I used the waiting time to be in the parent’s area to catch up with some neighbors. Interesting thing, I felt good, relaxed, meaning I really stress at work and I get better on weekends. Damn it…I can’t get stressed, I have to control myself. Yeap…I know there are techniques, I’ve tried them but once my bosses enter into the office…I get stressed and want to go home.

Today a decision was made regarding my father’s health condition. My father has Alzheimer and is totally depending on my mother’s help. He is in bed, with diapers, food must be put on his mouth, making it short: he is a 176 lbs baby, who doesn’t move by himself.

My mother has an hospital bed at home where he stays all day and all night. The bed is very high and my mother is not strong enough to lift him up or put him on a chair, so today we order an electrical bed. This bed has a control attached to the bed and with a touch of a finger it goes up down, lifts the head, the feet and has several positions. I think my father is going to like it because there is one sitting positing and that’s what he begs for everyday.

My mother will be able to adjust the bed to her needs, she can wash him and feed him easily by changing the bed position.

The sad thing is that my parents are retired and the electrical bed costs almost 5 times the monthly payment she receives from social security. We are not really thinking about it right now and we are just interested in getting some comfort to both my mother and father.

There was no big birthday party for Catherine this year. She turned 4 last Saturday but due to Easter holiday most family and friends were away for the weekend.

She’s too young to mind about that and what she wants is presents.

She had a birthday cake and we sang the birthday song together with her godfather (my youngest BIL) and his wife. The cake had the image of the Ballerina Princesses movie.

Her favorite present was something she has been asking for for a long time: make-up case. She also received a puzzle, a book and several pieces of clothes and other accessories.

At the end of the day we received the visit of my best friend E. and a couple of neighbors (she’s starting in the blogging world with: About Portugal).

Catherine was very happy even without a big party and that’s what matters.

Sorry for those that visited this blog expecting new posts but life has been difficult for me.
I know I mentioned this several times before: full time job (leave home at 8:30, arrive at 19.10), two kids, cooking, laundry, cleaning, a husband that requires my attention and all the other stuff I have to do and remember.

Four blogs, yes 4,my blogspot one was supposed to be inactive for a while but guess what: I’ve been receiving linkpost to write there besides PU2B regular work. Blogspot blog is the one receiving more comments (probably because there is no spam filter in blogger) that’s why I’m now moderating the comments there. I really have to decide what to do, I already removed it from some social networks but I guess I have to remove it from linkworth and PU2B and lose a few dollars.

This blog was supposed to be the blogspot substitute due to all the “own domain” and “own hosting” dilema, but the truth is people keep coming back to the blogspot one. I guess I just have to “forget it” and keep up with this blog and the other two I have and where I love to write.

Another headache, I live in Europe and as you know we have the Euro currency. If you get paid 50$ for paid posts you receive 50$, when I get paid 50$ I receive now 31 Euros, two years ago 50$ meant 50 euros (+/-). These last months things got really worse and everyday they are getting worse, so this is another daily worry for me, I work hard with paid posts but each day that goes by I receive less.

Due to all the life, family, work, blogging events, I haven’t been feeling ok for a while, I’m a little depressed, fed up with my full time job, wanted to live from internet income but that seems impossible. The result is anxiety and a 20 minutes Tachycardia that almost took me to hospital on Wednesday. This is not something new for me but a tachycardia so long only happened 8 years ago, usually they last 15 to 60 seconds. I’m better now but still worried about the future.

Blogging is something I like to do and the extra money I earn is really helpful. Here am I now at 02.17 writing this post and already have some tasks assigned to write. Everyday I look for other sources of income. Europeans also have a disadvantage - no samples for us to review, no contests to participate, well…

I really like the blogspot blog but I really have no interesting things to write there besides paid posts so I guess I just have to stop writing there and forget about making money there. With time I hope to get more work for the others blogs.

This weekend was a tough one, I’m not writing about it now because it has pictures and bad and good news, events that hurt my heart but tomorrow or Wednesday they will be written.

I’m sorry Catherine for not being able to write a post on your birthday day (Saturday), you know mom was not ok!!.

I have so much to write, today and tomorrow I’ll be at home, but with the kids I already know time will be short.

Where have I been? Well busy at usual but I’m fine, feeling good. This last week was a real busy one regarding personal matters (not to mention work ones).

Dani is officially in the soccer team, this means a huge initial bill to pay. Why? Well here it goes:

1. He has to have an ID card, which he doesn’t have because he never needed one. A birth certificate is usually enough until children enter the 5th grade or need to go abroad. As he has never left the country and he still is in 3th grade he has no ID Card. Having a ID Card means: haircut (10 Euros), professional photos (9 euros), ID papers (8,75 euros).
2. Sport’s insurance: 15 Euros
3. Monthly payment for being in the team: 10 Euros
4. The equipment: I don’t know the price yet.
5. He will have to get a Medical declaration saying he can practice Soccer, this will probably involve a ECG and a thorax X-Ray … if I go public I’ll waste time to get doctor’s appointments, Dani will miss school but I will save money in the exams; if I go private, I’ll waste money but I will save time. Tomorrow I’ll decide.

I’m not a Soccer fan and the thought of having one at home isn’t a pleasant idea. He’s already playing a lot of Soccer in PS2 so I guess I’m going to get used to it.

I had a conversation with him and I asked if Soccer is really the sport he wants…well, right now it is, let’s see in a few months.

Dani, was always a very “undefined” boy regarding his choices specially Sport ones.

He quited Judo, quited Kempo and until yesterday he was only attending swimming classes with school. I think he gets tired of sports, not because he wants to be still or quiet but he loses interest in the sport itself.

He plays a lot, runs a lots, he’s never still, so I guess that’s also a sport…Sometimes I feel I should insist more with him to join a team, but I also think he must practice what he likes not just because I want him to. Sports are good…even better if we like them.

For a few years he has been talking about joining a soccer team. Several friends and classmates attend soccer classes but I always avoided that choice. Probably I shouldn’t have.

You might ask: why doesn’t his mother want him to play soccer? Well, it’s a very demanding sport when it comes to training and games. The whole family is going to be involved. Why?

During the week he has training classes that will last until 8pm or 8.30pm which, I think, it’s too late for a nine years old boy that has school the next day. After the training class he comes home, takes a bath, eats dinner, and that’s it, he will be leaving the house at 8.30am and arriving at 8.45pm two days a week.

Then we have the games that will take place usually on Saturday morning, DH is at work so I’ll be the one taking him and supporting him on the games WITH Catherine. Games don’t have a fixed place, meaning they can be in a near place or far from the city. Some places I never heard of them.

If my life is already busy it will be much complicated.

These last couples of weeks he has been insisting in attending the classes, so…I’m a good mother right…I insisted with DH (that was a little reluctant to accept) and YESTERDAY IT WAS HIS FIRST SOCCER TRAINING CLASS.

Yesterday and tomorrow will be “test training” as the coach wants to see how he plays, but for sure he will be accepted. Saturday the team has a game, but, has he is not in the team yet, he’s not attending it.

He’s so happy to be in the team. Today while I was driving him to school, he told me the name of the other team players, some are from his school others he only met yesterday but he already knows their names. He even was excited because the couch asked him to help out delimiting the field with some plastic markers. He was released from training about half an hour before the others because they had to train for Saturday’s game but that didn’t demotivate him.

He really wanted to join soccer team, already in past years, but with Catherine so little I always refused. I guess it’s time to give it a try. Catherine will be four next month, she will go with me to the games, we’ll meet new places and I’ll take with me games or books so that she doesn’t get bored.

Most mothers and fathers complaint about the “soccer life” because it is so demanding in schedule and trips to far towns and villages, so let’s see how it works for me.

I know this will bring me two extra bills per month, I have to pay for classes and transportation from daycare to the stadium - once I’m working at that time, besides the money I will spend with trips to the games outside the city.

One thing I’m sure, if he’s happy, I’ll be happy too. Will Soccer be the right Sport for him? Time will tell…

Thursday Catherine started feeling down, and by down I mean, tired, complaining about everything, wanting to be on my lap, complaining about tummy ache, ear ache, leg pain, well…only her hair was not aching.

Friday morning she cried a lot because she didn’t want to go to school and wanted to stay home with mom. She broke my heart. She went to school, no phone calls during the day so I thought everything was fine. It was DH that picked them up at daycare at the end of the day and he was told that she had been complaining with pain all over her body. When I arrived home I checked her and she told me her right ear was really hurting so I took her to doctor’s appointment and the result was: everything is fine.

The only explanation I have, the teacher has and the daycare director has is that: Catherine misses her mom, yeap…me.

She misses being at home with me and she tries to catch my attention by saying she is in pain. The truth is that she has been very “babyish” lately, crying a lot even if it is for a small think just to catch my attention. As soon as I’m near her he just calms down and changes her behavior.

There are a few attitudes and actions I might have to take but right now spending more time with her, playing or just be next to her while she watches TV is a priority. She only sees me 3-4 hours a day and most of that time is split among her, her brother, cooking, laundry, etc., she sure misses me, I’m aware of that and it hurts.

Lack of time if one of my issues all the time, I just have to convince myself that “this is it”, that’s my life and although I would like to change it, I can’t so I just have to make it work. Quality time instead of quantity time.

Last week was a tough week. Not only physiologically but also physically.

I know what a depression is, I’ve been there and I don’t want to be there again. I know when I’m on the edge, I know what my limits are. Last week I was near but still far enough from the edge.

I’ve said this before but I repeat myself, I work 40 hours a week, from 9 to 18:30 (1,5 lunch break), two bosses that treat us like “slaves”, two kids to prepare to school and to pick up at the end of the day, cleaning, laundry, meals, my mother’s phone calls because of my father’s Alzheimer situation, little time to be with the kids, etc, etc, etc. it’s not easy. Fortunately I have my DH that although working from 8 to 19 helps a lot around the house.

Sometimes I deal well with all this routine, other times not so well. I can’t complaint about my job, I know that I’ll have my salary at the end of the month, it’s not a bad salary but the conditions are not the best. Motivation is something that I don’t have.

Last week was a very negative week for me because when I think too much about other things I would like to do and I don’t have time to, I become angry with myself and I refuse to accept that right now I can’t change a thing.

My escape right now is blogging. I love being on the internet, to write and earn money online. This last part is something I would like to explore and see if I could manage to live from internet jobs. It’s something uncertain that for sure won’t replace my full time job, so for now, although with sadness, I have to continue with my life the way it is.

This whole situation, the fact that I’m not satisfied with my life, affects me also physically. I lose my strength, I have migraines and muscle and bone pain is a reality. It’s awful to feel this way but last week I really felt it. For 4 day, I slept 10 hours a night (usually I sleep 6 or 7 sometimes only 4 or 5), I felt exhausted and could even walk straight.

When I feel like this I avoid direct contact with situations that can make me say things I later regret so I’m more silent than on normal days.

My relation with my DH has been a little distant. Due to a change in our bedrooms he ended up sleeping in my daughter’s room. Let me explain: during cold weather we have to turn on some form of heating, as we can’t afford the central heating, we use oil heaters. As we have a Suite we decided to put my son’s bed in our dressing room, my kids were supposed to sleep there and my DH and I in our bed. My daughter decided she wanted to sleep in our bed so my husband started sleeping in her room. This is happening for two months now.

Of course, as a couple, this causes a little rupture in the relation, we already have little time to be together, sleeping in different bedrooms even worse. Me, being tired and exhausted didn’t help either.

I need more time but I have no way to get it. Vacation is not a solution once it’s something temporary, just a few days so the solution can be:

• I accept the fact I have to stay in that job
• I accept the bosses I have and all the junk work I have to do for them
• I accept that I can only spend 2 or 3 hours with my kids, most of it spent in the kitchen preparing dinner and cleaning up
• I accept the fact I can’t explore other ways of earning money because I have little time
• I accept the fact that I can never pick up my kids at school because I have to work
• I accept the fact I can’t help my son with homework because I have to work (he does them in daycare after school)
• I accept the complaints of my daughter saying she wants me to pick her up at school
• I accept the fact that I can’t pick up my kids earlier from daycare because I’m at work

so much things to accept but for me they are unacceptable.

For my own health I have to keep going and try to live as I can. I see the years go by, my kids are growing and I’m not able to follow them closely as I would like to. I know I’m not alone but some people just don’t care, but I do and I suffer with this.

On Saturday I was feeling really better and I did some activities with the kids. In the morning I cleaned up the house, we went to my parents house for the weekly visit and in the afternoon I went with the kids to the local park for roller skating and bicycle riding. After that we went to the library where we spent the rest of the afternoon. They enjoy being in the library among the books, games, movies, etc..

Sunday afternoon I went to ride bicycle with Dani but we spend most of the day at home.

Yesterday (Monday) I went to work with a positive spirit and I tried to do my work and some blogging (don’t tell the bosses).

This is just a phase I go through from time to time so…let’s keep going.

It’s 2:26 right now and I’m still blogging, why? Because only at night, when I’m supposed to be asleep, I have time to write.

Saturday it was the big party. Many things were prepared the night before and Saturday morning I just had to prepare the table with all the necessary things for a a kids party. I bought some thematic plates and napkins, WWE for the boys and Hello Kitty for the girls.

Pizza was a “must” in the table and well appreciated by all kids. Jelly, cakes, sweets, lollipops, fruit salad, etc. etc. etc..

There were 26 kids in the house, they behaved quite well (not mentioning the water balloons bursting on top of some of them), the overall result was a positive one. Although some of them where kind of “violent” while playing, no one got insured. As the house is big they were able to split themselves among the rooms, some where in the computer, some in the PS2, some in the living room watching TV and others in the play room. We had a sunny day so they were also able to have some fun outside.

Here is the photo of the cake:

Again a picture from the same soccer club but with one player.

He received many gifts, from clothes, books, toys, PS2 game, etc. Here is a picture of some:

The kids had a great time and my son had a really happy day. I’m glad for that.

Second Cake of my son’s birthday.

This was the cake we ate Friday night at home, just the four of us. This lion is a funny image of the SCP soccer club mascot.

Dani’s birthday party is approaching fast, he’ll be 9 Friday and the party is Saturday. I already bought some plastic plates and napkins from WWE for the boys and Kitty for the girls. He invited around 30 kids (ouch!!) and I still don’t know how many are going to attend.

I can’t believe he’s almost nine, time just goes by so quickly.

He’s in a new phase already, he’s talking back to us, specially to dad causing a stress situation because he’s not the one in charge and we have to tell him that. Sometimes he accepts other times he just continues talking back.

I searched for some information about this behavior and I found this article at ParentCenter - Talking back: Why it happens and what to do about it that contains useful information regarding this.

I understand that he’s growing up and wants to have his opinion, and make is opinion the right one, but sometimes he abuses and talks in a nasty tone that we can’t allow. We’re not afraid that he’ll stop loving us therefore we can’t hesitate in these situations. Of course we should keep a natural tone of voice and this is one think I’m not good at. After trying to explain why things are not the way he wants, I usually speak loud and most of the times it works.

I know that lifting the tone of my voice shows my irritability, my nervous side but I can’t control myself. Each child is a case, some children just obey at the first warn, others don’t.

Of course we’ll get over this, I always keep on my mind that teen age will be worse and that worse issues will be coming in future years.

My son’s birthday is next week and I pop up the question: What do you want has a birthday present? The answer: Ratatoulli PS2 game and go to Disney World. For those living in Europe, like we do, going to Disney World in Orlando - Florida is only in dreams.

I made that comment with my new co-worker and she told me that with Dialaflight a UK company a cheap flight to Orlando is easy to find. I checked the site and I was really impressed with the amount of information they have available. We can book flights, hotels or even hire a car.

Going to Orlando would be a dream come true, see Disney World, all the theme parks, night attractions, restaurants…but we are a family of four meaning a very expensive holiday. The future will tell…

If you’re looking for a holiday or even a weekend break, check Dialaflight, you’ll find a lot of solutions for you at great prices.