On Sunday my tooth situation got worse and I was able to get an emergency appointment with at the dentist clinic. The broken piece of my tooth was removed and I was told that the tooth broke already in the root, meaning, probably I’ll have to remove the tooth. I’ve got an appointment for tomorrow and the dentist is going to decide what to do.

Once bad luck doesn’t walk alone, I have two more teeth that were treated some years ago, that need to be treated again. Why did I fool myself by thinking that May was not a month with extra bills?

Today I’m going to start taking my anxiety pills because dentists are not my favorites doctors and I hate when I have to go there. I hope to treat the two teeth and remove the other one tomorrow (all in one). If one teeth has to be devitalized I have to go there two more times.

Have I already told you I hate going to the dentist? Yeap…it’s true.

A tooth that I recently fixed broke Friday while I was eating ice cream. I can’t eat using my right side teeth because I’ve got a lot of pain and I can  make the situation worse by breaking the rest of the tooth. I contacted the dental clinic but they only had an appointment for today at 12.30. DH was working so I couldn’t imagine myself at the dentist with my two kids… I hope I can get an appointment tomorrow so…I’ll be in pain until tomorrow.

Also, Dani’s tooth just lost the “bulk” it had inside (it’s been fixed) and I have to schedule an appointment for him too. He’s starting to feel some pain already.

I hate dentists and the extra bills!!!

I’m disappointed, after all the anxiety I went through because of the Pap Smear test, the doctor had to go to the ER and my appointment was postponed to May 19th.

It’s already Wednesday (00.28) and I’m a bit nervous about this morning. I’m going to make a routine medical appointment and one of the tests I’ll be doing is the Pap Smear. I haven’t done it since my daughter was born, four years ago, and I’m afraid, not of doing the test but of the result. I know, I’m a chicken but with so many cancer cases lately, I’m worried.

I’ve been in a lot of pain these last days. Shoulders, neck and thorax have been killing me lately. I know what it is, accumulated anxiety and stress from these last weeks. Yesterday I barely could move my head but still, I spend all day in the office working and screaming each time I had to make a sudden movement. I’m taken some pills and although still having a lot of pain I’m better than yesterday.

Yesterday my father had his new electrical bed delivered and is much comfortable now. I went to the pharmacy and paid for it, a huge amount I must confess.

Today my kids had a birthday party of a neighbor in a “party academy”, I used the waiting time to be in the parent’s area to catch up with some neighbors. Interesting thing, I felt good, relaxed, meaning I really stress at work and I get better on weekends. Damn it…I can’t get stressed, I have to control myself. Yeap…I know there are techniques, I’ve tried them but once my bosses enter into the office…I get stressed and want to go home.

Today a decision was made regarding my father’s health condition. My father has Alzheimer and is totally depending on my mother’s help. He is in bed, with diapers, food must be put on his mouth, making it short: he is a 176 lbs baby, who doesn’t move by himself.

My mother has an hospital bed at home where he stays all day and all night. The bed is very high and my mother is not strong enough to lift him up or put him on a chair, so today we order an electrical bed. This bed has a control attached to the bed and with a touch of a finger it goes up down, lifts the head, the feet and has several positions. I think my father is going to like it because there is one sitting positing and that’s what he begs for everyday.

My mother will be able to adjust the bed to her needs, she can wash him and feed him easily by changing the bed position.

The sad thing is that my parents are retired and the electrical bed costs almost 5 times the monthly payment she receives from social security. We are not really thinking about it right now and we are just interested in getting some comfort to both my mother and father.

Those you follow my posts on this blogs know that I’ve been going through some tough times. All the help is welcome and most of the time I search it online.

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Sorry for those that visited this blog expecting new posts but life has been difficult for me.
I know I mentioned this several times before: full time job (leave home at 8:30, arrive at 19.10), two kids, cooking, laundry, cleaning, a husband that requires my attention and all the other stuff I have to do and remember.

Four blogs, yes 4,my blogspot one was supposed to be inactive for a while but guess what: I’ve been receiving linkpost to write there besides PU2B regular work. Blogspot blog is the one receiving more comments (probably because there is no spam filter in blogger) that’s why I’m now moderating the comments there. I really have to decide what to do, I already removed it from some social networks but I guess I have to remove it from linkworth and PU2B and lose a few dollars.

This blog was supposed to be the blogspot substitute due to all the “own domain” and “own hosting” dilema, but the truth is people keep coming back to the blogspot one. I guess I just have to “forget it” and keep up with this blog and the other two I have and where I love to write.

Another headache, I live in Europe and as you know we have the Euro currency. If you get paid 50$ for paid posts you receive 50$, when I get paid 50$ I receive now 31 Euros, two years ago 50$ meant 50 euros (+/-). These last months things got really worse and everyday they are getting worse, so this is another daily worry for me, I work hard with paid posts but each day that goes by I receive less.

Due to all the life, family, work, blogging events, I haven’t been feeling ok for a while, I’m a little depressed, fed up with my full time job, wanted to live from internet income but that seems impossible. The result is anxiety and a 20 minutes Tachycardia that almost took me to hospital on Wednesday. This is not something new for me but a tachycardia so long only happened 8 years ago, usually they last 15 to 60 seconds. I’m better now but still worried about the future.

Blogging is something I like to do and the extra money I earn is really helpful. Here am I now at 02.17 writing this post and already have some tasks assigned to write. Everyday I look for other sources of income. Europeans also have a disadvantage - no samples for us to review, no contests to participate, well…

I really like the blogspot blog but I really have no interesting things to write there besides paid posts so I guess I just have to stop writing there and forget about making money there. With time I hope to get more work for the others blogs.

This weekend was a tough one, I’m not writing about it now because it has pictures and bad and good news, events that hurt my heart but tomorrow or Wednesday they will be written.

I’m sorry Catherine for not being able to write a post on your birthday day (Saturday), you know mom was not ok!!.

I have so much to write, today and tomorrow I’ll be at home, but with the kids I already know time will be short.

Last week was a tough week. Not only physiologically but also physically.

I know what a depression is, I’ve been there and I don’t want to be there again. I know when I’m on the edge, I know what my limits are. Last week I was near but still far enough from the edge.

I’ve said this before but I repeat myself, I work 40 hours a week, from 9 to 18:30 (1,5 lunch break), two bosses that treat us like “slaves”, two kids to prepare to school and to pick up at the end of the day, cleaning, laundry, meals, my mother’s phone calls because of my father’s Alzheimer situation, little time to be with the kids, etc, etc, etc. it’s not easy. Fortunately I have my DH that although working from 8 to 19 helps a lot around the house.

Sometimes I deal well with all this routine, other times not so well. I can’t complaint about my job, I know that I’ll have my salary at the end of the month, it’s not a bad salary but the conditions are not the best. Motivation is something that I don’t have.

Last week was a very negative week for me because when I think too much about other things I would like to do and I don’t have time to, I become angry with myself and I refuse to accept that right now I can’t change a thing.

My escape right now is blogging. I love being on the internet, to write and earn money online. This last part is something I would like to explore and see if I could manage to live from internet jobs. It’s something uncertain that for sure won’t replace my full time job, so for now, although with sadness, I have to continue with my life the way it is.

This whole situation, the fact that I’m not satisfied with my life, affects me also physically. I lose my strength, I have migraines and muscle and bone pain is a reality. It’s awful to feel this way but last week I really felt it. For 4 day, I slept 10 hours a night (usually I sleep 6 or 7 sometimes only 4 or 5), I felt exhausted and could even walk straight.

When I feel like this I avoid direct contact with situations that can make me say things I later regret so I’m more silent than on normal days.

My relation with my DH has been a little distant. Due to a change in our bedrooms he ended up sleeping in my daughter’s room. Let me explain: during cold weather we have to turn on some form of heating, as we can’t afford the central heating, we use oil heaters. As we have a Suite we decided to put my son’s bed in our dressing room, my kids were supposed to sleep there and my DH and I in our bed. My daughter decided she wanted to sleep in our bed so my husband started sleeping in her room. This is happening for two months now.

Of course, as a couple, this causes a little rupture in the relation, we already have little time to be together, sleeping in different bedrooms even worse. Me, being tired and exhausted didn’t help either.

I need more time but I have no way to get it. Vacation is not a solution once it’s something temporary, just a few days so the solution can be:

• I accept the fact I have to stay in that job
• I accept the bosses I have and all the junk work I have to do for them
• I accept that I can only spend 2 or 3 hours with my kids, most of it spent in the kitchen preparing dinner and cleaning up
• I accept the fact I can’t explore other ways of earning money because I have little time
• I accept the fact that I can never pick up my kids at school because I have to work
• I accept the fact I can’t help my son with homework because I have to work (he does them in daycare after school)
• I accept the complaints of my daughter saying she wants me to pick her up at school
• I accept the fact that I can’t pick up my kids earlier from daycare because I’m at work

so much things to accept but for me they are unacceptable.

For my own health I have to keep going and try to live as I can. I see the years go by, my kids are growing and I’m not able to follow them closely as I would like to. I know I’m not alone but some people just don’t care, but I do and I suffer with this.

On Saturday I was feeling really better and I did some activities with the kids. In the morning I cleaned up the house, we went to my parents house for the weekly visit and in the afternoon I went with the kids to the local park for roller skating and bicycle riding. After that we went to the library where we spent the rest of the afternoon. They enjoy being in the library among the books, games, movies, etc..

Sunday afternoon I went to ride bicycle with Dani but we spend most of the day at home.

Yesterday (Monday) I went to work with a positive spirit and I tried to do my work and some blogging (don’t tell the bosses).

This is just a phase I go through from time to time so…let’s keep going.

It’s 2:26 right now and I’m still blogging, why? Because only at night, when I’m supposed to be asleep, I have time to write.

Since Catherine’s surgery that we have the Sound of Silence around the house. The snoring and the apnea is gone. The awful snoring sound around the house at night is gone forever. She can now sleep quietly, breath without effort and silently.

I remember this feeling from when my son came out of surgery almost 6 years ago, for the same reason. I would get up several times a night to check if he was breathing. Catherine has been sleeping in my bed since surgery, it was a couple’s decision to check more closely on her recovery, and sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night just to check the Sound of Silence.

Right now, she is here next to me sleeping and the air just flows freely through her nose.

Yesterday at the end of the afternoon we went to the checkup surgery appointment and we had the good news that Catherine has recovered just fine, everything is all right with her nose and throat and she can start eating everything.Guess what dinner was??? Hamburger and fried potatoes. Pizza for me and brother. It felt so good being able to eat without limitations again. Once I was with her at home since surgery, I didn’t eat what she couldn’t eat so I lost weight.

I know…some of you are willing to lose weight but I’m already underweight, I can’t even give blood because of my weight. So losing a 3 pounds in less than 2 weeks, and I was already anemic, it’s not good…not at all. I have to gain some soon or I’ll get really sick. I’m still taking the supplements for the anemia but that’s not enough.

Today it is my last day of freedom, Monday I’ll be in hell again, I’ll be in the office ((((crying)))), I really don’t miss the office, at all. Just thinking I’ll get back to work on Monday makes me lose a few more pounds.

If someone has an online job available with a regular income, contact me, I’ll quit my job. :)

I’m devastated. My neighbor was diagnosed with a very rare and dangerous syndrome.

He’s 9 years old and last summer he fainted twice almost dying in a swimming pool. He did a lot of exams and the doctor suspected of a syndrome (not that dangerous) but more tests had to be done to get a final conclusion. The results are devastating, he suffers from Long QT syndrome a rare syndrome that can cause death at any minute, specially during activities that require a extra effort from the heart or a stressful situation.

His parents are devastated, as you might imagine. They searched for a second opinion with a different doctor but the answer was the same, he has the Long QT syndrome.

The all family, the couple and the two kids (there is a 4 years old girl), are going to do genetic tests and the girl has to do extra tests to check if she also has the syndrome.

For now, he is forbidden to do any (of any kind) physical activity and is under medication for the heart. Well, tell a 9 years old to stay still, to not play soccer, to not run, to not jump…forever.

Although it’s none of my kids that is sick, I’m a mother, neighbor, friend and I didn’t want to “be in their skin”. Although I imagine, I really can’t feel the pain they are feeling.

One (among many others) think that is missing here regarding medical assistance is the psychological support to the family. The doctor says, there is the possibility of dying at any minute, keep the treatment, and that’s it. The family comes home without knowing how to handle the situation. If they want support…well they have to pay private doctors high prices for it.