Thursday Catherine started feeling down, and by down I mean, tired, complaining about everything, wanting to be on my lap, complaining about tummy ache, ear ache, leg pain, well…only her hair was not aching.

Friday morning she cried a lot because she didn’t want to go to school and wanted to stay home with mom. She broke my heart. She went to school, no phone calls during the day so I thought everything was fine. It was DH that picked them up at daycare at the end of the day and he was told that she had been complaining with pain all over her body. When I arrived home I checked her and she told me her right ear was really hurting so I took her to doctor’s appointment and the result was: everything is fine.

The only explanation I have, the teacher has and the daycare director has is that: Catherine misses her mom, yeap…me.

She misses being at home with me and she tries to catch my attention by saying she is in pain. The truth is that she has been very “babyish” lately, crying a lot even if it is for a small think just to catch my attention. As soon as I’m near her he just calms down and changes her behavior.

There are a few attitudes and actions I might have to take but right now spending more time with her, playing or just be next to her while she watches TV is a priority. She only sees me 3-4 hours a day and most of that time is split among her, her brother, cooking, laundry, etc., she sure misses me, I’m aware of that and it hurts.

Lack of time if one of my issues all the time, I just have to convince myself that “this is it”, that’s my life and although I would like to change it, I can’t so I just have to make it work. Quality time instead of quantity time.

Last week was a tough week. Not only physiologically but also physically.

I know what a depression is, I’ve been there and I don’t want to be there again. I know when I’m on the edge, I know what my limits are. Last week I was near but still far enough from the edge.

I’ve said this before but I repeat myself, I work 40 hours a week, from 9 to 18:30 (1,5 lunch break), two bosses that treat us like “slaves”, two kids to prepare to school and to pick up at the end of the day, cleaning, laundry, meals, my mother’s phone calls because of my father’s Alzheimer situation, little time to be with the kids, etc, etc, etc. it’s not easy. Fortunately I have my DH that although working from 8 to 19 helps a lot around the house.

Sometimes I deal well with all this routine, other times not so well. I can’t complaint about my job, I know that I’ll have my salary at the end of the month, it’s not a bad salary but the conditions are not the best. Motivation is something that I don’t have.

Last week was a very negative week for me because when I think too much about other things I would like to do and I don’t have time to, I become angry with myself and I refuse to accept that right now I can’t change a thing.

My escape right now is blogging. I love being on the internet, to write and earn money online. This last part is something I would like to explore and see if I could manage to live from internet jobs. It’s something uncertain that for sure won’t replace my full time job, so for now, although with sadness, I have to continue with my life the way it is.

This whole situation, the fact that I’m not satisfied with my life, affects me also physically. I lose my strength, I have migraines and muscle and bone pain is a reality. It’s awful to feel this way but last week I really felt it. For 4 day, I slept 10 hours a night (usually I sleep 6 or 7 sometimes only 4 or 5), I felt exhausted and could even walk straight.

When I feel like this I avoid direct contact with situations that can make me say things I later regret so I’m more silent than on normal days.

My relation with my DH has been a little distant. Due to a change in our bedrooms he ended up sleeping in my daughter’s room. Let me explain: during cold weather we have to turn on some form of heating, as we can’t afford the central heating, we use oil heaters. As we have a Suite we decided to put my son’s bed in our dressing room, my kids were supposed to sleep there and my DH and I in our bed. My daughter decided she wanted to sleep in our bed so my husband started sleeping in her room. This is happening for two months now.

Of course, as a couple, this causes a little rupture in the relation, we already have little time to be together, sleeping in different bedrooms even worse. Me, being tired and exhausted didn’t help either.

I need more time but I have no way to get it. Vacation is not a solution once it’s something temporary, just a few days so the solution can be:

• I accept the fact I have to stay in that job
• I accept the bosses I have and all the junk work I have to do for them
• I accept that I can only spend 2 or 3 hours with my kids, most of it spent in the kitchen preparing dinner and cleaning up
• I accept the fact I can’t explore other ways of earning money because I have little time
• I accept the fact that I can never pick up my kids at school because I have to work
• I accept the fact I can’t help my son with homework because I have to work (he does them in daycare after school)
• I accept the complaints of my daughter saying she wants me to pick her up at school
• I accept the fact that I can’t pick up my kids earlier from daycare because I’m at work

so much things to accept but for me they are unacceptable.

For my own health I have to keep going and try to live as I can. I see the years go by, my kids are growing and I’m not able to follow them closely as I would like to. I know I’m not alone but some people just don’t care, but I do and I suffer with this.

On Saturday I was feeling really better and I did some activities with the kids. In the morning I cleaned up the house, we went to my parents house for the weekly visit and in the afternoon I went with the kids to the local park for roller skating and bicycle riding. After that we went to the library where we spent the rest of the afternoon. They enjoy being in the library among the books, games, movies, etc..

Sunday afternoon I went to ride bicycle with Dani but we spend most of the day at home.

Yesterday (Monday) I went to work with a positive spirit and I tried to do my work and some blogging (don’t tell the bosses).

This is just a phase I go through from time to time so…let’s keep going.

It’s 2:26 right now and I’m still blogging, why? Because only at night, when I’m supposed to be asleep, I have time to write.

My dream is to have my own business, the problem is the initial investment we have to make and the risk of failure. Yes, I’m not a very optimistic person and I always think more about the “no” things than the “yes” things.

Some months ago I started making decoupage, for those who don’t know what it is is a craft technique. We use napkins and decoupage them in soaps, t-shirts, glass, wood, etc. It’s a low maintenance business and the investment is not very big. Paid posts came in the way and I ended up doing only a few articles for me and to offer as gifts for friends.

Right now, with my full time job, blogging and shortage of money, a business of my own is a mirage, a high risk investment right now. With a house to pay and two kids to feed, risk to start a business in the dark is out of question.However there are companies willing to help those wanting to start their own business or actually expand the existing one.

EZunsecured.com is a company that handles Small Business Financing issues we might have with our business or future business while we take care of other important matters regarding the management of the business itself. We don’t have to worry about getting a loan, credit line or credit cards, they will do it for us with no upfront funding fees. They have an excellent service provided through an easy process to get fast founding. This is a good solution for those with a project and ready to start a small business.

For now I will continue with my dream and who know, one day, I will get the courage to invest and start my own business.

I was waiting to transfer the photos from my camera to the computer to write this post. Unfortunately the photos are not good in fact we can’t see a thing.

Wednesday it was Dani’s swimming class. He goes in the school bus to the local swimming pool to have his class. As I’ve been at home with Catherine I took the opportunity to assist his class. We were in a corridor along the swimming pool and we could look through the glasses. I took a few photos but the flash reflected in the glass and we barely see the water.

No photos but I have this moment on my head and he was happy that I was there and I’m happy because I was able to do something I can’t do when I’m working, keep in touch with my kids activities.

Yesterday at the end of the afternoon we went to the checkup surgery appointment and we had the good news that Catherine has recovered just fine, everything is all right with her nose and throat and she can start eating everything.Guess what dinner was??? Hamburger and fried potatoes. Pizza for me and brother. It felt so good being able to eat without limitations again. Once I was with her at home since surgery, I didn’t eat what she couldn’t eat so I lost weight.

I know…some of you are willing to lose weight but I’m already underweight, I can’t even give blood because of my weight. So losing a 3 pounds in less than 2 weeks, and I was already anemic, it’s not good…not at all. I have to gain some soon or I’ll get really sick. I’m still taking the supplements for the anemia but that’s not enough.

Today it is my last day of freedom, Monday I’ll be in hell again, I’ll be in the office ((((crying)))), I really don’t miss the office, at all. Just thinking I’ll get back to work on Monday makes me lose a few more pounds.

If someone has an online job available with a regular income, contact me, I’ll quit my job. :)

This is the Portuguese version for the game: BUZZ Jr.! Jungle Party Bundle

This game is absolutely funny and is good for all family member. My husband is not very fond of video games but he has already played it.

Usually we prepare a sofa for Dani, Catherine and myself and the three of us have a great time playing the game. I give Catherine a little help once we have to have fast fingers and we always laugh a lot specially when the monkeys receive with a coco or a electric shock. It’s really funny.

Yesterday it has been a very busy day. Usually we are quietly at home, playing, watching TV, go out for a cup of coffee. Due to Catherine surgery we haven’t gone out and everybody come in. Catherine received the visit of my in laws, my two BIL, two SIL, two nephews, my best friend and her son and a few phone calls. It was a really busy day.

Catherine was really very surprised with the visits as that doesn’t happen often and she was really happy and spoiled.

Today, it was the first day she left the house after the surgery, but didn’t get out of the car. I did something I usually am not able to: pick up my son at school at 15:30. It felt so good and he was so happy. Usually it’s daycare that picks him up and I pick him up at 18:45 after leaving work, but once I’m at home due to Catherine surgery I’m taking advantage of everything I can’t do when I’m working.

He already did his homework and is now watching a movie with sister.

I love this so much, my dream is to follow my kids, be able to work from home, pick them up at school, help with homework, but life is not always what we want and I’m lucky to have a full time job and a salary at the end of the month.

I wish you all a Happy Year 2008.

We spent the New Years Eve at home the four of us. We don’t have a New Years tradition and the family with whom we spend Christmas Eve have different programs for this night. Some stay at home, others go to other places where there is a party or live shows but, as we can’t afford those programs we spend at home.

For me New Years Eve is just another night, the day after will be only a new day, the difference is that it will be in a different year. I like the post Matthew Henrickson wrote about Top 10 Reasons to Sleep Through New Years Eve. We didn’t sleep it through, we even celebrate at midnight but “no big deal”.

Wishes was something I didn’t make, I prefer not to do them and let’s see what 2008 brings me and my family.

How was your night? Leave a comment with the URL to your post, I’ll love to read it.

I’m back to blogging and I hope nothing gets in my way to stop it again. It was for a good cause.

I stayed at home a few days before Christmas, before New Years Eve and today with my family. I decided to try to stay away from the computer to spend as much time as possible with my family. I did check my emails, some twittering but almost no blogging.

On Sunday my husband told me it was his saddest Christmas. He said he felt I was very distant from him, this was the first time he talked about his feelings. This is not something new, for quite a while distance has been installing itself between us. We both work full time, two kids, a house to take care, cleaning, laundry, car wash, when it comes the end of the day, we are exhausted. He’s not very romantic either so, there are no “close” moments while we’re around the house. I admit that this is also my fault, I’m always tired and at night, instead of watching a movie or going to bed at the same time he does, I blog.

Blog is my escape, is something I love to do but I have little time to do it. During the day I’m at work and if I have a busy day I’m not able to blog so at night, when the kids are asleep is the only time I have to do it.

I feel that I really need to change things around, I had my maps and schedules programmed for this afternoon but due to some news I received this morning (I’ll post about that in another post) my afternoon was ruined, but…it was for a good cause. So no blogging schedule, no maps for school activities, no nothing.

I can’t change my work schedule, cook, laundry must be done, cleaning also (maybe I can afford some day this year to ask someone to do it for me) so blogging is the only schedule I might be able to change. Instead of blogging at night, I can get up earlier in the morning, but this cold weather doesn’t help and as the house is always too cold I always give up getting up earlier.

I don’t want to give up blogging, it’s not on my plans. Soon, in a few days, my blogspot blog will be discontinued and this one will be the family blog for real…my updates are already being done here. Without the blogspot blog I will have three blogs to maintain. I expect to do a To-Write-List for two of them so that I keep my line of blogging always with a wide variety of interesting subjects.

I wish I could keep everybody happy, my kids, my husband and myself. The “myself” hasn’t be happy for quite a while since I don’t have the life I wanted to (in several aspects) and I really needed to have some outside help with the cleaning, ironing, etc.. I’m going to make all the efforts to get out of this “not so happy” phase, I hope the nutritional supplements I’m taking and some “will” from”myself” will do the trick.

I had to go to the doctor today. I’ve been too exhausted, I know why: too much work in the office too much work at home. I’ve been having a lot of headaches, nauseous and I was afraid there was something wrong with my arterial tension.

When as soon as the doctor saw me, she told me I’m too white meaning I’m probably anaemic. I have some urgent blood test to do tomorrow once this should be checked soon because from time to time I have anaemia.

Arterial tension was 8-13 which are the values I had 7 years ago when I had my big depression. Before going into antidepressants (which I don’t wanna take) I’m going to try a treatment based in supplements: magnesium, iron and a complex for lost of memory and attention. My memory is affected and I often forget things.

I know this is just from being exhausted, I have to organize myself (don’t know how). I’m alone at work because my co-worker fired herself. I’m alone doing 2 people jobs, I have a house to clean, laundry, two kids to take care of, cook, etc. etc. I’m going nuts and I can’t avoid it. I’m just exhausted.

I won’t be working 24 or 26 so I have 5 days to get some rest and than again next week 5 more days, than a whole year of leaving home at 8.30 and arriving at 19:00 at home. I just hope I win the lotto soon or I will get crazy.

After my daughter’s Christmas party, I had a word with her teacher. As a point of reference is the fact that she’s the youngest preschooler on that school, she told me she’s a very smart girl, very talented, she already draws as if she was older, she always colors inside the lines, etc. etc.The thing that really upset me and made me very sad is the fact that, the image she has from me is from the mother that arrives home and has to cook and is in the kitchen. The teacher said: “your daughter misses you”. Oh boy!! that hurt.

Working from 9 to 18:30, arriving home at 19-19:10 leaves me little time to be with her and my son, I admit it, but there is nothing I can do to avoid it. My bosses don’t want to change anything on my schedule, for them I could leave at 19 or 20:00 they don’t care. I have this job for 13 years, I have my status, my salary and with my age, I can’t afford losing it, I can’t live without it, without the salary, I would if I could.

I have to adjust time, make it longer, at least try.

• Instead of spending the lunch time blogging in the office I will start coming home and do some laundry, prepare dinner in advance so that I have less to do when I arrive home at night.

• Establish bath time to prevent me from saying 10 times that it’s bath time.

• Leave blogging, checking emails and twitters for after the kids are asleep (if I’m still awake)

What else can I do?

I realize that she ask for my unconditional attention, I guess too much attention, she wants me to leave everything behind to give her all the attention. Sometimes I have to refuse because I have other things to do and she has to understand that. It’s like: I give one finger and she demand the hand.

Of course this is always my forever dilemma, and for those that followed my other family blog know that, I always wanted to be a WAHM but that it’s not possible here unless I had married a very rich man and that’s not the case.

I have to continue to search ways to manage and organize my time, but what I realize is that time goes by, kids are growing up and I’m missing it all.

We decided to make a change in the house. We are doing it the wrong way but for now it’s the better choice.

We have 1 suite and 2 rooms in the house. The suite is ours and one room for each kid nothing strange here. We have central heating provided by heaters on the walls all over the house that works through gas supply. We have all the conditions to have a warm house during winter and the kids have their own space as well as we have.

The problem is: gas is very expensive and we cannot afford to turn on the heating system. We manage to warm up the house by lighting up the fireplace in the living room and one electric oil heater in each room. Although electricity is cheaper than gas, the price has been rising and paying for 3 heaters all night connected will be a heavy bill for us.

What my DH just did was, move my son’s bed from his room to our dressing room and now we are all in the suite. We stay in the master room and my son and daughter sleep in the dressing room on my son’s bed. This allows us to have only one electric oil heater turned on instead of three. With this, we hope to save some money.

I know this is not a good choice especially for the kids that are going to get used to sleep on the same space we do (although we are separated by one wall we are connected by an opening between the two rooms) but for now and during winter and these freezing nights it’s the best choice we have to save money and help us with our monthly bills.